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They say that sometimes writing is good for the soul. I wonder if that means I should do it more often? Should I let a little bit of my stress, my worries, my soul bleed out onto the page. And then I wonder if it will help?

I'm not sad. Not all the time. Just like I'm not happy all of the time. But sometimes it just feels good to write. Just to write the first thing that comes to my mind.

I've been having trouble sleeping. I don't know whether it is because my mind overthinks at night or whether I keep so much inside that it makes my mind race. Or are these just the same things. I find myself lying awake at night counting things. Imagining my life going in different ways, wondering whether I ate enough or ate too much. Wondering if the sound outside is an animal or a burglar. Wondering whether I'll ever feel right.

I haven't written in a journal (especially this one) in years. And it's not because I didn't want to...maybe, in a way, it was because I wouldn't allow myself to. I don't know. Maybe I was scared of...I don't even know what.

There have been a lot of things on my mind. I've just bought a house, I've got a full time job, I've been travelling a lot but I still don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. I try to explain myself to others but it never comes out right. The words stumble on their way out and I sound more like a blathering idiot than usual.

Then there are the old memories of stuff that I feel guilty for but I know that I should not feel guilty for them. Things that were out of my control.
People keep saying that I'm doing so much, that I'm great, awesome and all that. I want to believe them but then I remember that I'm scared. Scared of commitment. Scared of people. I want to find Mr. Right ... but I worry...

I think I just need to write more...

Comments

( 1 spatula — Attack )
shellauw
Nov. 30th, 2013 09:45 am (UTC)
Yes! Write more.

I will join you in it. Back here.

Just remember you are awesome, but you're bigger than where you are now. You are meant for greater things. So don't settle. Never settle for what you have. Keep searching and keep dreaming.

It'll all fall stunningly together one day. :)
( 1 spatula — Attack )